"The Predator Connection" (Column)

For the record, this appeared in print, five days before Saturday Night Live went over much of the same ground (of course, they didn't have the Sonny Landham connection, so I've got them there). Unlike the blogger who ripped off my Iggy Pop reference, I'm not fussing at SNL. It takes a week to set up and rehearse their sketches. I'm saying I'm happy that we came up with these ideas about the same time. It's just that mine saw print before theirs saw air. Don't nobody go saying I ripped off the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players. Great (and sick) minds really do think alike.

With the bread-and-circuses election in California recently, the Left Coast proved once and for all that the liberals out there are not the state’s only wackadoos. The fruits-and-nuts Republicans lined up to throw away their dignity and common sense to cast votes for an aging action star best known for playing a robot. Insert your own Al Gore joke here.

The cable news channels decided that everyone in the country actually gave a damn about who ran that yahoo state, and forced hundreds of mind-numbing hours of coverage on us. It was during some of the hypnotic, droning coverage that I stumbled onto the Predator Connection.
Predator, the 1987 sci-fi actioner, concerned a group of soldiers who ran afoul of a creature whose armor camouflaged itself, allowing him to vanish into the background and attack primarily through ambush – a lot like Gray Davis, but with a less abrasive personality.

Believe it or not, with a credited cast of only ten, Predator has spat out three actors who have run for governor in their home states. Jesse Ventura was first in Minnesota four years ago and this year brought us the Arnold Era. Even Sonny Landham, who played the psycho Indian, Billy, ran for governor of Kentucky in 2002, first as a Republican then as an Independent. He dropped out after a few months, but he ran.*

This means that 30% of the cast of Predator has run in gubernatorial races and 20% has won. I found myself wondering about the other 70%.

Of the remaining seven, I threw out two immediately. Bill Duke, the bad ass sergeant, is also a film director. This makes him overqualified to be governor. Shane Black, who dies early, is actually a scriptwriter, which means he can’t afford to run for office. Since he specializes in spinning tales of bogus heroes, he’d make a great White House Press Secretary.

Kevin Peter Hall, who played the Predator, has been dead twelve years, which eliminates him from running in any state but Missouri. Elpidia Carrillo, the Mexican babe, has two strikes against her: she’s a Mexican babe. R.G. Armstrong, the dignified Alabama character actor, has retired, effectively eliminating him from running. And Richard Chaves, who almost survives until the end of the movie, is a nobody, which seems to suggest that he’d be better off running for President on the Democratic ticket instead.

This leaves Carl Weathers. He’s a Southerner, born in New Orleans. Besides being an actor, he possesses another one of the qualifications it takes to be a politico in this country: he was a professional athlete, a football player. And as Apollo Creed, the man responsible for smacking around Stallone in Rocky, he is a personal hero to most moviegoers.

Given those qualifications, I think it’s time that Weathers start his campaign soon. He should strike while the Predator iron is hot. Chances are good he’d get support from a governor or two.

Now, if only Morgan Freeman had been in the movie…

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*Landham also performed in several 70’s porno movies, including one called, They’re All Sluts, which somewhat puts Arnie’s alleged nipple tweaking in perspective.

Recall whoever! Freeman for Gov! Send campaign checks to: ed@planetweekly.