"2004 Post-Election Blahs" (Column)

I don't think this one needs any explanation. I'll just say that eight years later, the world's a different place...

Just a few random post-election election thoughts:

Blah blah blah, mandate from the people, blah blah blah, margin of victory, blah blah blah, most votes of any president, blah blah blah, most popular president ever. Tired of hearing the same old, same old from those pundits too…let’s not say stupid; let’s say…preoccupied with saying, “We won! We won! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!” to actually look at some other facts?

Mandate from the people? There were two, actually. The narrow majority said, “We love you, George!” The narrow minority said, “Get the hell out!” Let’s be honest and say that there were two mandates from the people: “I love you, get out!” It’s like a marriage. No wonder this election was about family values.

Margin of victory? I love this spin: “It’s the biggest margin of victory ever!” Like hell; it’s about average. Don’t just listen to your preachers, kids, look it up. Most popular votes ever? This one is true. George W. swept into office with more popular votes than any president in history.

Do you know how had the second most popular votes of any candidate in history? That’s right, John Kerry. John Kerry – even though he lost – got more popular votes than anyone else in history, excepting of course George W. this time. According to right-winger logic (which is in itself an oxymoron), that makes George W. Bush the most popular president ever. Well, utilizing that same top-quality logic, this means that John Kerry is more popular with the people than George W. was last time, more popular with the people than George H.W. was both times he ran, and even more popular than Ronald Reagan was both times he ran. Because, you see, Kerry got more popular votes – and lost – than The Gipper did and won. So therefore, using the base idea that total number of popular votes = total popularity, that Massachusetts, white-collar, tax-and-spend, ivory tower intelligentsia, low-down, dirty liberal is actually more popular than Ronald Reagan.

Welcome to Republican logic. This is an E-ticket ride.

The reason that Bush did win was that the conservatives got out the vote in a major way. They did a slam-dunk job of going out and making sure that their people were registered, had rides to the polls, and actually went and voted. My hat’s off to them; it was a magnificent job.

Which brings me to the young people. Ah, yes, the young people. The ones who were the target of the majority of the political ads, the ones who were given concerts all across the country in an effort to get them to vote, and the ones who Democratic thinkers hinged the entire election on.
What happened, you little turds? There were increases in every demographic group of voters but one. The numbers of blue-rinse evangelical lunch ladies skyrocketed. Forty-five year old male auto part makers jumped. Even the paraplegic Navajo Indian numbers spiked. But the young people* stayed the same. Basically, the same number who voted in 2000, voted in 2004. Millions of dollars, millions of man-hours spent on you, and you couldn’t bother to vote.
And yet, when the reinstated regime screws up, these apathetic young twerps will be the first ones shaking their first at the TV and fussing. Here’s a little something from the voters: you don’t vote; you can’t bitch.

Ah, the pollsters. You have to love those election-day guys, who stand around and ask questions and just consistently get it wrong. How is this possible, you may ask? Hundreds of thousands of volunteers doing exit polls all across the country should be able to get it right. But this year, like so many others, they consistently reported back numbers that were inflated toward John Kerry. Why is this? No one seems to know. But the Bipolar Extremist thinks he has it figured out.

Fact 1: most exit pollsters are men. Fact 2: many more women vote Democrat than Republican.** Fact 3: more women are questioned than men. Fact 4: it’s a long day. If you’re a pollster, you’re probably a man, and you’re in the middle of a long, hard day. By primal nature, do you prefer to spend your time asking questions of men or of women? Do you seek out the men – most of whom seem to radiate anger or annoyance upon leaving the polls – or do you find yourself moseying over toward the hotties (who, let’s be honest, are probably Democrats) to question them? There you have it, folks. The exit polls are messed up because of the drive to achieve nookie.

Last thing: I voted in Precinct 10.*** My downstairs neighbor – same apartment building, same street address – voted in Precinct 12. My coworker, who lives pretty much across the street from me, voted in Precinct 12. Her neighbor – same apartment building, same street address – voted in Precinct 10. And then there were the roommates. Two men, one address, one house: one voted in Precinct 12, one in Precinct 10.

Was this an error, a glitch in the election commissioner’s office, or is supposed to be this way? I don’t know who knows, but it doesn’t really matter. We all used the same machines: new Mandate From The People® brand voting machines.

*Correctly, the demographic age of the young people is 18-25. 26 and older are considered to be adults, electorally speaking, since they have had two opportunities to vote in a presidential election. Certain publications skewed toward the kiddies are quoting 18-29, since that number of voters is up and it makes the kiddies feel good, but that number is up because of the 26-29 year-olds, who did get out the vote.
**It’s true. Look it up.
***Not really. I don’t feel like sharing our real precinct numbers here.